MY LETTER
Hello mami, HEHEH ITS ME!!!!
This is my first Mother’s Day that I’m not physically with you, and I hope you’re doing well, having a beautiful, peaceful day. Before I say anything too emotional, I want you to know looking back at my life, from the very beginning up to the age of 15, it all feels like a dream. Not because it was perfect in a fairy tale way, but because I had everything that truly matters. I had good resources for my education, for my wants, for my needs, for learning how to be around people. I have my friends, who make me laugh and feel seen. I have a wonderful family walking beside me. I have a safe, loving environment to grow in. I have had opportunities to travel the world, to see different skies, to taste different lives, and to shape my own perspective. And most of all, I’ve had so much freedom to choose what I love, to make mistakes, to figure out who I am. But when I trace all of it back every door that opened, every chance I was given, every soft place I had to land, it always leads to you. You are the one who made all of this happen. You are the reason. And I am so deeply, completely grateful that in this whole universe, I got to have you as my mom.
I know we've had countless arguments, fights, and conflicts/ different perspectives clashing, questioning or even doubting each other's decisions, actions, and sometimes our whole mindsets. And I won't pretend that was easy.
It was tough. But here's what I remember most, even after the hardest moments, we always worked it out. We talked. We listened. We came back to each other. And honestly? Looking through my memory, I can't recall a single truly massive fight between us. They were all small things, tiny storms that passed quickly and that's because of how we communicated. That's because of you.
You are such a very very very gooddddd mom. I know you probably lie awake some nights asking yourself, Am I doing enough? Am I good enough? So let me answer you now, plainly and honestly: Yes. You are. More than good. You are perfectttt not in a flawless way, but in the real, messy, exhausted, loving, trying your best every single day way. Being a mom is a 24/7 role. It never clocks out. And this is also my first time being a daughter. I can feel how nervous you are, how worried not because you doubt yourself, but because you care so deeply of us.
This is your second time being a mom. And I've seen it. I've watched you grow between me and Jensen, through Leni Che Che’s words. I remember how you never pushed me to finish piano or cello at all costs. I never had to sit through tutoring until 9pm in primary school. You learned. You softened. You became even more patient. And Mom dealing with two children of different genders going through puberty at the same time… That is brutally hard. The mood swings, the weird actions, the confusing emotions, the perspectives that shift like sand. But you handled it. You coped. You didn't run away. You stayed, you listened, you loved through it all.
I am so proud of you. And I admire you more than I can ever fit into words. You did so, so well. You are doing so well. And no matter how many Mother's Days I have to spend far from you, please know that my heart never leaves your side.AND I LOVE YOU SO SO SO FREAKING MUCH
Thank you for everything you gave me. Not just the physical things, though yes i guess, the clothes, the books, the warm shelter, the things I wanted and even the things I didn't know I needed. I had them all because of you. But that's not what matters most.
What matters most is what I will carry with me until my very last breath are the concepts my values you planted inside my heart. The deep thoughts you shared with me late at night. The life morals that guided me when I didn't even know I was being guided. The world perspectives you opened my eyes to, piece by piece, year by year.
You didn't just raise me or feed me smth like that. You actually taught me how to think, how to question, how to be kind even when it's hard, how to see the world through a lens of compassion and curiosity. Those things don't wear out. They don't get lost in a move or broken like a toy. They live inside me now in the way I treat people, in the way I make decisions, in the way I look at the stars and wonder. And that is also why I have so many friends staying there with me. So once again thank you!!!
I will always remember them, every single one. And I will bring them with me for my whole life every step, every country, every challenge, every joy.
I know and understand now, letting us leave the place you've protected for so long is so much harder than I ever imagined. The missing… oppssssss it hurts. It's a quiet ache that doesn't go away. But thank you. Thank you for respecting our freedom anyway. Thank you for letting us grow our own wings even when it means we have to fly outside the safety of your arms.
And knowing that this year, both me and Jensen aren't there for you on Mother's Day… Mamiiii, I'm so sorry. I feel so so so bad. Like I haven't done enough in my role as a daughter. Like I should be there, hugging you, handing you flowers, sitting beside you so you can feel how much you are loved. But this year… No physical presents. No cake. No flowers. Just this message and the empty space where I should be.
I am so, so, so, so sorry.
But we will be together in June. I am already looking forward to that day and counting down day by day. And please, please, in these days without us, stay happy. Stay healthy. Laugh when you can. Rest when you're tired. Don't carry the whole world alone.
One more thing that is ososossososo important. Me and Jensen!!! We would rather live more consciously, have less and less money spent, less things bought, less pressure on you than to ever see you too stressed, too tired, or unhappy because of us.
We don't need you to give us everything.
We just need you.
Healthy, at peace and here for us
That's all. That's always been enough.